The closing album

Meeting Point

-Louis MacNeice

Time was away and somewhere else,
There were two glasses and two chairs
And two people with the one pulse
(Somebody stopped the moving stairs):
Time was away and somewhere else.

And they were neither up nor down;
The stream's music did not stop
Flowing through heather, limpid brown,
Although they sat in a coffee shop
And they were neither up nor down.

The bell was silent in the air
Holding its inverted poise-
Between the clang and clag a flower,
A brazen calyx of no noise:
The bell was silent in the air.

The camels crossed the miles of sand
That stretched around the cups and plates;
The dessert was their own, they planned
To portion out the stars and dates:
The camels crossed the miles of sand.

Time was away and somewhere else.
The waiter did not come, the clock
Forgot them and the radio waltz
Came out like water from a rock:
Time was away and somewhere else.

Her fingers flicked away the ash
That bloomed again in tropic trees:
Not caring if the markets crash
When they had forests such as these,
Her fingers flicked away the ash.

God or whatever means the Good
Be praised that time can stop like this,
That what the heart has understood
Can verify in the body's peace
God or whatever means the Good.

Time was away and she was here
And life no longer what it was,
The bell was silent in the air
And all the room one glow because
Time was away and she was here.


I am absolutely dying of the pain of another essay- the problem is that while i know i can really get going when I'm en pointe, it's so difficult to get there.. I'm always looking out the damn window or looking at something else. It's a big fat shame that essay-writing has to be on a computer (ie Distraction City). What happened to the good old days of crayon pictures and smudged ink?

In other news, I'm going through a bout of PMS- on one hand a relief, and on another, an absolute pain. Everything annoys me today. Don't breathe so loudly. Don't forget to say i love you. Don't fall asleep on me I will KILL you.

Blood on the tracks

If you see her, say hello, she might be in Tangier
She left here last early spring, is livin' there, I hear
Say for me that I'm all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I've forgotten her, don't tell her it isn't so.

[Bob Dylan]

Now as much as i love Jeff Buckley, Bob Dylan owns this song.

Spring and Fall

:to a young child

Magaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What the heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Magaret you mourn for.

-Gerald Manley Hopkins

Spelt from Sybil's Leaves

For earth
her being has unbound, her dapple is at an end, as-
tray or aswarm, all throughter, in throngs;
self in self steeded and pashed- quite
Disremembering, dismembering
all now. Heart you round me right
With: Our evening is over us; our night
whelms, whelms, and will end us.

-Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-89)

After three weeks of made up words, exclamation marks, and general despair and crisis of faith, I've grown (dare I?) accustomed to Hopkins; I even rather like him, save for complex syntax and impossible to read verses. I even ventre to say that 19th Century is worth the 7.45am wakeup call, the chilly interior of the goddamn room CDTL-SR2 in the middle of nowhere (and is definitely NOT worth the steep ascent into the Chinese library madness in the morning), and the pounding of my heart as i pray that i won't be late for class every Monday/Tuesday.

Perhaps I'll feel different after my presentation on the Alice books.

With your face sketched on it twice

Just before our love got lost you said,
I am as constant as the northern star.
And i said, constantly in the darkness,
where's that at?
If you want me I'll be at the bar..

Well, I could drink a case of you, darling
And i would still be on my feet.

[Joni Mitchell]

I've been having the time of my life- bumming, working, periodically getting out of bed and going to school, eating away, shopping, and spending time.

Is it too much to ask for things to stay this way? Sometimes it feels like I'm toeing an invisible line so thin, that i could step out at any given point and not find my way back in again.


Late night calls, lightning and thunder, graham vanilla crackers, Quentin Tarrantino films, animal sightings, Olympic debates, rooting for track and field events, 1940s black and white stills, computer tutorials, tap tap iPhone games, failure to capture (pictures), rain coming down outside, pink/"en rose", "reflex" wrestling, back-scratcher imprompto movie room tango, dark chocolate gelato, dystopian philosophy, french fries stealing, and above all that, the knowledge of the power of impulse.

The life pursuit

honey lovin' you is the greatest thing,
I get to be myself and i get to sing.

[Belle and Sebastian]


Domi: Eh im wearing a white wife beater and jeans and a shredded mustard scarf. Faux pas?
Me: No it sounds cute!
Domi: Then how come people are giving me incredulous looks on the streets? Maybe they're just jealous and think im part of the hot stylishness.
Me: Maybe they think you're part of the hot homelessness.
Domi: Maybe you're just one of the envious.

6 in the morning

Aircon, fresh sheets, steam iron, laksa, late-night takeout, trance, champagne, glow face powder, lightsticks, frozen pina coladas, headbands, coffee, many DVDs, the History Channel, cup noodles, fluffy pillows, lace, tissue notes, dancing to Cyndi Lauper, sleeping in and blankets.

Thank you for a great weekend <3

you can rely on me honey

Our love, our love is all we have.
Our love is all of god's money,
Each one is a burning sun.

[Wilco]

"Landscape with the Fall of Icarus"

Quote-worthy-

Patke: Okay boys and girls you can go!
Killjoy lecturer woman: NO PATKE WE HAVE TO COUNT THE SCRIPTS!
Patke: Oh.. it should be fine right?

Patke: It's so nice seeing all of you here.. for the last time.. and the first time.

Rohai: When i saw the question i was like, OMG IT'S LILLY'S ESSAY! Lucky i have it with me
Lilly: When i saw the question i was like, OMG i didnt bring my own essay!
Me: When i saw the question i was damn angry! i thought, HOW DARE PATKE choose a question done before by us in essays?
Rohai: You're just upset you didn't bring lilly's essay.

Me: WE have to eat nothing but nuts and chicken rice for the rest of the month because i've shopped myself broke.
Nick: Well... you deserve it you studied hard!
(this is not a funny quote it just justifies my spending for today)

Me: Don't you think it's a bit weird that we're printing notes 18 mins before the exam?
Rohai: NO LA IT'S FINE LA

-cut to-
Lilly: we're late!
Me: (after wandering LT8 like a lost sheep for 2 mins or so) OMG where is my seat?
Random Girl: (looking up from her paper) I dont know!

Lilly: (at the end of the paper) Jess.. i know where you went wrong. When we entered you shouldve turned LEFT.. but alas, you turned right.

-before the paper-
Rohai: I don't have Ashbery
Me: I don't have Painting with Words
Lilly: I only have one pen
Algin: OH.. never mind la it's open book right? we can put our hands up and borrow from people..

Lecturer of Singapore Society (insert name): Let's do a bit of revision before the paper.. What is the number one reason for divorce in Singapore?
Guy at the back: MARRIAGE!

Death becomes us

Train of thought (Destination: Disaster):

Friday, 2nd May-
5pm: Maybe i won't do any work today.. i mean i've got the entire weekend!

Saturday, 3rd May-
1pm: Nah.. it's a Saturday! People don't do work on saturdays
5pm: Nah.. it's still a Saturday!
10pm: Maybe i should go home. Nah.. it's my anniversary!

Sunday, 4th May-
11am: I can go for lunch, it's not a problem..
3pm: Okay now that im home let's get cracking on some work..
8pm: Goddamn how long did i sleep!!

Monday, 5th May-
3am: Okay well i've done 7 out of 11 readings, i think it's pretty safe
6pm: Lets watch the Simpsons
6.30pm: Friends!
7pm: Lets watch Casper
9pm: Oh, look.. America's Sweethearts
11pm: I can talk on the phone for a while it's fine..

Tuesday, 6th May-
1am: Okay .. a bit late, but better late than never.
5am: 1 more reading to go! Maybe i'll go to sleep first.
1pm: Okay time to get cracking on my last reading...
2pm: OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT LIT LECTURE NOTES
2.05pm: (after phonecall with Roro) OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT TO BUY MY LAST TEXTBOOK
2.15pm: OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT THERE ARE MORE ONLINE READINGS
-after major printing session-
2.55pm: OH MY GOD THERE ARE EVEN MORE NOTES + POWER POINT PRESENTATIONS!
3.15pm: We are Death with a capital D.
3.17pm: OH MY GOD AREN'T THERE NOTES FOR SINGAPORE SOCIETY TOO?!

Good old-fashioned lover boy

"I thought of that old joke, y'know the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, i think my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken". And the doctor says, "Well why dont you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but i need the eggs". Well, I guess that's pretty much how i feel about relationships; you know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, but.. I guess we keep going through it because, most of us... need the eggs."

[Woody Allen in Annie Hall (1977)]





This weekend i celebrated my first one year anniversary ever; i will say it, our relationhip may be the noisiest and most absurd of all chickens sometimes, but the eggs are priceless.

Panic! at the Dean's Office

12 Hours to NUS' own Doomsay Device and everyone is panicking. I've printed out a 26-page "cheat sheet" of memorable quotes, the directors, year of release, actors, character names of every film in the syllabus but what scares me the most is that i haven't exactly watched all of them. Let me tell you, reading a film and watching a film are two completely different things.
Sunday saw us running to school to print out notes at the library. The only catch(es):

1) We could only borrow one book at a time to photocopy
2) We had to run to the photocopying room each time
3) We had only one cash card between us
4) We had about 25 books to do
5) We had an hour to do all these books before the library closed.

Of course, by some stroke of magic we finished everything- but that just brought us to the sad, difficult, then-unforseen part.. reading the readings. I sat with Nick at his poolside for a good 3 hours going through Deleuze, Woody Allen, Bahktin, Hutcheon, Capra and Althusser until words like "parody", "image-text" and "ideology" all ended up looking the same and triggering nightmares/jarring French noir-esque dislocating moments during unexpected times.

That was Sunday. This is Tuesday wee morning and i am officially freaking out. Monday (which was a mere "just now"), i watched 3 movies (Dr. Strangelove, Modern Times and Annie Hall), the end of Brazil (disturbing), a bit of Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, sped through like 12 readings, compiled aforementioned cheatsheet, wikipedia-ed and IMDb-ed like EVERYTHING, and i STILL feel like nothing short of a miracle will pull me through later. I call upon the spirit of Deleuze and Charlie Chaplin. Help. Please.

And i can't get over how comedy can simply be so un-funny.

S/U is my friend

This is for Lilly-

-last night-
Steph: okay on this page we have the diagram of the steam distillation thing..
Me: let's skip it la there's NO WAY this will ever be tested.

-cut to exam page 17/26 featuring diagram of steam distillation with 10 blanks for labelling-

Machina

Pop tart, can you envision
A free world
A clear division..

[Smashing Pumpkins]

DeKonstruct with a capital K

I think it's safe to say that Andrew Lloyd Webber week was a disaster for Brooke and Jason (he sang Memory, which was cute. But cute does not do it for ALW songs). Sorry bryan, but i think your beloved is out this week- a song from Evita? Come on. I was so excited for ALW week because, well, i love all musicals so i was so glad that Carly did Jesus Christ Superstar, and David Archuleta was heartbreaking and sweet with his Think of Me, one of the best from Phantom. I'm still a bit undecided about David Cook- I mean okay he was largely in tune and he did capture a bit of the creepy Michael Crawford thing, but it was nowhere near the orginal Music of the Night.. He just seemed so unconvinced of it himself. And Syesha, what can i say? No matter how in tune she is, her days are numbered. She's just so boring; oh but while normally her hair bothers me to no small extent, this week she just looked like Rihana (I'm still not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing though).

Quote of the day (from my Perfumes and Cosmetics notes):

"Some people think that a tan means good health and looks. Dermatologists know that a tan is a sign of skin damage. A tan does not prevent sun damage, it is sun damage." [emphasis not my own]

"He goes doily down the street"

I swear i've found perfect timing and an uncanny knack for jinxing myself everytime i make claims of peace. Life is simply ladden with epiphanic moments that only prove to be short-lived, i tell you that. oh, fun.

Quotes (in the spirit of the Surviving NUS Guide):

-in group presentation discussion-

Iliyas (aka Lilly): okay. okay. we need a game plan.
Me: I think our best bet is to just have ONE major point and harp on it with conviction!
Rohai: I think our major point is that we're all fucked.

-in group presentation for film-

Rohai: okay if the class will now turn to the screen, we will be showing the videos from youtube.
Me: PSST.. the internet's not working!
Rohai: what?!
Me: The fucking internet is DOWNNNN.
Rohai: (to class) OK. There are no videos. Lilly will now act out the scenes for us.
Lilly: I have to act out FOUR scenes?
Us: FOUR scenes.

Lilly: Okay what if we have nothing else to say for our presentation?
Me: Ah. that's where we turn the discussion over to the class.. FOR A DEBATE.
Lilly: That is brilliance.

-in our group presentation for Lit and the other Arts-

Rohai: OKAY. So the ESSENCE of my presentation is this- the idea that there is no signified, only signifiers is countered in the FACT that all signifiers point eventually to a final signified where signifiers have to signifiy something, so therefore.. there is always a signified and this is signified by the signifiers that AIM to signify!

Lilly: Okay you know what. How bad can it be? If this were a film, we'd just cut to a scene of us getting kicked out of NUS.

Lilly: ARE YOU DEATH?

Lilly: I have the number for argument and words as zero.

Rohai: Let's just do the post-structuralist thing la.. How bad can it be?
Lilly: CUT TO.. getting our paper back- the camera continuously edits between close ups of your face and the big red "F" on your paper

Me: What if our American Comedy paper is about auteurship! THEN WE'RE FORCED TO DO ALLEN OR CHAPLIN
Lilly: OMG. DISASTER. WE ARE DEATH WITH A CAPITAL D.

How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

Valuable Lessons that have come from an NUS Literature Education:

HOW TO:

1) Find your way around wikipedia swiftly and effectively-

For auteurs, click on filmography.
For films, click on "plot synopsis"
For year of release/director/producer/performers, go to Imdb movies.com
For quick "insightful details", go to production details

2) Cite references

3) Play with margins/font size/paragraph spacing to fit essay requirements

4) Decipher a 50 page essay in mere minutes

Find essay online
Copy and paste anything in bold/italics/quotations into Microsoft Word
Discard the rest forever

5) "Watch" films without really watching them

Google film
Look at film stills for cinematography
Check out characters/plot on wikipedia
Read a minimum of 1 related theory/genre/period/tendency (eg. satire/parody/meta-narrative/renaissance/post-modernism)

WHAT IS IT ALL REALLY ABOUT:

6) Age of Enlightenment --> Renaissance (big period in art too) --> Romanticism (Gothic Lit, Sublime, etc etc) --> Modernism (stream of consciousness/ T. S Elliot) --> Post-Modernism (Samuel Beckett / Big time for film industry)

7) Literature/ Arts = Self-reflexivity, classic genre-establishing moments, meta-narrative, self-consciousness, and some kind of discourse (political, social, satirical).

HOW TO SURVIVE:

8) Disguise messy essays by slyly coining a snazzy title to thereby signal cohesiveness.

9) READ FAST + scan things that seem important + discard the rest and DON'T EVER LOOK BACK.

10) Personal insights always trump research/regurgitation (Sometimes not reading the notes helps because you're more "original" without the taint of the lecturer's thoughts).

11) "Group discussions" on MSN are key. Save all MSN conversations that have occured pre-essay panic mode. (Read: infamous "construction of the "real" in documentary and CHN / the use of diegetic and exegetic space in parody / the exchange of critical essays in point form / plot summaries)

12) Most importantly, learn to decipher lecture notes that occur in varied modes of stream of consciousness + de-codify the pages dotted with incessant acronyms (Read DT's shameless name-dropping of WA- Woody Allen, OW- Orson Welles, and MB- Mel Brookes)

13) Watch films in fast-forward mode (pertains especially to foreign films with dubbing and silent films with corny captions). Proved very successful with films like Run, Lola Run / The Battleship Potemkin / Shoot the Piano Player / Anything by DW Griffith

PERSONAL LESSONS:

14) Soviet cinema is horrible.

15) Dr. Ryan Bishop is a dead-ringer for David Thewlis (bad guy in Dragonheart)

16) Some rooms boil like saunas and lit lecturers are BAD at anything technical

17) Never, ever , EVER write an essay claiming the uselessness of ekphrasis (especially in a course on ekphrasis)

18) Dr. Strangelove is in black-and-white and is very tedious indeed.

19) Woody Allen is seriously overrated.

20) Scary Movie is clever and underrated.

21) No one who is depressed should EVER read anything by Beckett.

22) Frankenstein is not the creature, it refers to the man who created the creature.

23) If you can't write fast, don't bother writing at all.

24) "Genius" cinema tends to go over our heads (Read: Brazil and Zelig)

25) Open-book exams just means that you can bring in your books, but you're going to leave them at the side of the table never to be touched again anyway because the whole paper's on "personal response".

26) "The cinematic style of Tarantino makes for the desentisation of violence in a comic book-like depiction of gore" does NOT constitute an argument.

27) Studying a few days before the exam is the way to go because you won't remember anything else otherwise.

Midnight in a Perfect World

Week 13 of Year 2 Semester 2..
"The Ouroboros Effect" we're going to get discovered for..



I don't want to speak too soon, lest we encounter another "and cut to..." senarios, but I think I finally see more than one kind of indication and it's not too shabby at all.

Dear Catastrophe Waitress

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the worldI will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl.

How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping 'round on pagan holidays?

Oh, elope with me in private,

and we'll set something ablaze,A trail for the devil to erase.

San Franciso's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play-
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?

[Belle and Sebastian]

<3

And when the cupboard's bare,
I'll still find something there with my love-
It's understood,
It's everywhere with my love.
My love
does it good..

[Paul McCartney]

De sterrennacht

(Starry Night, Vincent van Gogh, 1889, Oil on canvas, 73 × 92 cm, 28¾ × 36¼ in
Museum of Modern Art, New York City)

The Starry Night
Anne Sexton

"That does not keep me from having a terrible need of -- shall I say the word -- religion. Then I go out at night to paint the stars."

--Vincent Van Gogh in a letter to his brother

The town does not exist
except where one black-haired tree slips
up like a drowned woman into the hot sky.
The town is silent. The night boils with eleven stars.
Oh starry starry night! This is how
I want to die.

It moves. They are all alive.
Even the moon bulges in its orange irons
to push children, like a god, from its eye.
The old unseen serpent swallows up the stars.
Oh starry starry night! This is how
I want to die:

into that rushing beast of the night,
sucked up by that great dragon, to split
from my life with no flag,
no belly,
no cry.

Project #1- Lit and the other Arts. It's time for me to banish all sense of negativity and embrace all fleeting epiphanies because it's simply happier and healthier that way. Yet it's not so much a concerted effort as it is a relinquishing of pettiness. If we all stop picking on details and look around, we might realise we're so much luckier than we think.

Tomorrow is our permanent address

After what i can only call a music dry spell for a couple of months, i've finally found the band to lift my jaded spirits. And this enlightenment has come from none other than a local band called B Quartet. Their new album, Tomorrow is Our Permanent Address, has been on repeat on my iTunes ever since their very very awesome album launch on Saturday. I will venture to make Radiohead, Portishead and at times, Muse comparisons. Props to the lead singer, who sounds like a Thom Yorke more in tune, their fabulous drummer, and the amazing guitar riffs, along with gorgeous keyboard and trip hop influences. For you guys out there who want indie music from a band that doesn't start with 'The', or has annoying punk vocals, or has fallen into the cookie-cutter song style of the genre, please go check B Quartet out on myspace. Totally mindblowing. Songs to look out for: Shoebox- a gorgeous ballad, Stupid Luxury- great beat, Boutique- perfect for road trips, and When Mathematics Fail.

I was thinking about the title of the album- first time i heard it, i thought it was just fact. Then i thought it seemed kind of hopeful, with the whole idea of going somewhere everyday, with the guarantee that tomorrow is going to bring a new experience. Now, i just think it sounds a little sad. The idea of inevitability is just depressing. And we're yanked along with time every day, even though we might not be ready yet. We think we know where we're going in life, we think we know exactly what we want- the right relationship, the good job, a good education.. but once we've obtained what we think is one of our goals, we become blind to the possibility that it might not be the 'right' one. It becomes harder and harder to retain clarity of mind/purpose when you're having to stomach unhappiness for the sake of happiness.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's just that we live on the hope that things will get better, that things will change, and that we will somehow get the direction we need. It's supposed to hit us in an epiphany of pure understanding; and that is just idealistic. If things haven't changed in a drastic, dramatic moment in 21 years, then where is the evidence that it might happen any day now? Is it possible that we're constantly living in the hope that tomorrow might be better if we can just stick with it today, and is that so wrong? When, then, does disillusionment set in, or has it already begun? Have we simply given up the fight, and instead, live on the possibility that things will change? People say that living in the right here and now is the way to happiness. Yet, i often find that it's the right here and now that is usually the most unbearable. Perhaps today's good is the proof that tomorrow is a direction we take positively. I hope im right.

Wait, they don't love you like i love you

LET us go now, you and I,
While the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;

Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question...

Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

This strangelove addiction

It's been an.. interesting week.

I'm hiding out in the big city blinking

My heart is in your palm, exposed and raw. Your heart tiptoes over pre-packaged, sieved by decorum and appropriateness. My heart is unconditional and blind. Your heart is tamed by reason. My heart is a fool. Your heart is sanitised. My heart craves more. Your heart wants less. My heart wants to run wild and intense. Your heart is governed by your head. My heart wants to be loved wholeheartedly (no pun intended). Your heart wants no part of it. My heart is to be had without question. Your heart needs to be earned. My heart is too easy. Your heart scorns me. My heart is too vulnerable. Your heart is protected by strength.

I try honesty. You hear white noise. I try to express my pain. You see another tantrum. I see desperation and hopelessness. You see endless opportunities ahead. I see the end. You see bouncing back. I see a chance to spend time together. You see a waste of time and energy. I voice neglect. You voice irritability. I rush into things. You express skepticism. I tell you i need you. You say you don't want it. I tell you i miss you. You say you don't feel a thing. I cry because it hurts. You tell me i'm too emotional. I ask for your help. You say it's not your problem. I ask for comfort. You give it to me but your eyes say different. I need physical comfort to sustain me. You're not that weak. I say you don't deserve me. You think im joking. I stop looking at myself in the mirror because i'm afraid to look. You pose in the lift.

It's morning, pre-dawn. It's New Year's. I ask if you still love me. You say you don't know. I ask if you meant it. You say you don't know. I ask you what this means. You say you don't know. I sit on the pavement and say I'm lost. You say that you know. I say, Happy Anniversary honey. You laugh humorouslessly and repeat the sentiment. I tell you what i've given up to be with you. You say, who asked you to? I work up my courage to be honest with you. You say you can't remember what we talked about. You say you didn't mean what you said about not loving me. I ask why you would even say such a thing. You say you don't know. I lie on your bed and cry. You fall asleep. I grab your hands and talk to you. You glance out the door at your computer.

I say we should maybe take a break. You say maybe we should. I didn't mean it. I think you did. I tell you i would miss you. You don't reply. I know i've been too vulnerable. You don't care do you.

Cake.. or Death?

What was i supposed to do,
I was caught in between you and a hard place.